Frozen

It’s raining. It’s been raining for two days. I am confused. I have too many things to do. I do not feel like doing anything. I am tired. I do not know what to do. That summarizes it.

This one I worked on during our company retreat:

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The retreat went well, but left me exhausted. It was too much. I needed time to come back to normal. But I did not have time. I needed to travel and work. And then a problem appeared which needs solving, and more travelling and it unsettled me. Hence my feeling of not being able to do anything. And the rain does not help.

And then I am thinking about catching up with the courses I took. Why did I take 5 courses I cannot possible manage to follow? I knew it would be impossible, but I still tried. I am a bit mad at myself because I always think I can do more than I can. And it creates anxiety. Like I do not have enough of it anyway…

So I am paralized. Frozen in time. Cannot get going. There are too many things to do and I know I cannot make it. So I choose to not do anything. Does it make sense? Instead of enjoying the courses I am taking, I made myself miserable and started thinking about the lessons like something I have to do. Like work that needs finishing, like obligation that needs to be fulfilled. Look, it’s crazy!

This morning I painted with watercolors. It’s drying, I will post it tomorrow. I did not do any of my outstanding lessons in my five courses. They will have to wait and I will need time to recover. From today until December 31 I am enforcing a ban on buying art courses. On January 1st I will reassess the status. There is only so many hours in a day and there are limits to what I can achieve and stay sane and happy. That’s what I wanted to say today.

5 thoughts on “Frozen

  1. I understand entirely. It was fantastic when I discovered online classes and I kept signing up, then I realized, as you have, that you start feeling anxious because the lessons are going by and you aren’t keeping up. Crazy, because it is supposed to be fun, but then it’s just lots of anxiety. Fortunately, lots of classes are lifetime access, so you can come back to them and enjoy them later. It’s not like being part of the class and sharing in real time, but it certainly takes the stress off and brings it back to the fun they are supposed to be.

    • Thanks Ellie! I am glad you understand me :). I hope my course-shopping ban will help sort out my anxiety. I think I have enough to keep me occupied for a year at least… Just need to stop buying new ones… 🙂

  2. Doing something not course related is absolutely understandable. You just needed something to do….anything. That activity alone was good for you and I hope it brought some kind of peace. Rest, recover. Your courses will be there waiting for you when you are ready to have fun and play. Take care my dear friend!

    • Thanks Carrie! I feel better. I think I was tired and then everything looked so much worse than it really is. I have hard time preventing myself to bite more than I can chew, so this feeling is inevitable from time to time 🙂

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